Healthy Ministry Communications: Pass-Through Comments
Healthy ministries begin with strong foundations. An important component in the successful , strong church is healthy communications. The best communications are truthful, direct, and free of manipulative behaviors. Today, I am writing about an unhealthy type of communication—pass-through comments—and what to do about them.
What are “pass-through” communications?
Pass-through communications are attempts by a person to make their opinions known by transmitting them through another person. I’m not talking about the benign kind of pass-through messages, such as, “Please tell the Chairperson I’ll be about 10 minutes late to our meeting,” or “Dad asked me to tell you he is fixing lasagna for dinner.” Those are communications that convey simple information that contain no opinions or position statements. If they get messed up in the translation, little to no harm results to anyone.
If the Chairperson hosting the meeting is not given the message I sent, I may be a little put out and the Chairperson may be a little irritated that I was not on time, but it’s really no big deal. If I don’t get the message about the meal my dad is prepareing, I might bring the wrong side dish, but it will get eaten anyway (at least in my family!)
What are unhealthy “pass-through” comments?
The type of pass-through communications that are unhealthy are the kind that is meant to be manipulative. If you think of the “Telephone” game you played as a child or as an adult at a party, you remember that what starts out as a message into the first ear rarely comes out the last mouth in the chain accurate to the original message. “I am going on a pink limousine ride to Casablanca next Saturday and my chauffeur will be Julio Iglesias,” might as well come out: “ I am going to drive the Pink Panther to Casa Grande to see J. Lo in concert .”
What’s the harm?
The same is true for pass-through communications in churches; the reporter rarely gets the information right, and the information is often designed to illicit a defensive response by the receiver. “Pastor Gloria, Bert wanted me to tell you that the hymns you are picking are too contemporary.” The goal of the pass-through communication is two-fold: 1) Bert wants the pastor to hear that he is dissatisfied and put her on the defensive; and 2) Bert wants Pastor Gloria to select the music he wants to hear in church. But he does not want to directly address his concerns with the pastor, so Bert instead uses a safe go-between. If the pastor blows up, Bert will not be the direct recipient of a defensive response by her. If the pastor confronts him, Bert can deny he ever made the statement, thereby putting the blame on his unwitting information courier. And if the pastor indeed changes the music to more traditional fare, Bert will gain power in the congregation, because he has been able to bend the pastor’s actions to his will.
How are church lay leaders manipulated by pass-through comments?
Church lay leaders hear these pass-through statements all the time, especially when persons perceiving themselves on the outside of the power dynamic attempt to jockey between a church officer or staff person and the pastor. “Pastor Londan wanted me to tell you, Joseph, that he does not think you should serve a second term as Church Council President; you are just not strong enough to stand up to the Treasurer.” The reactive response to a challenging pass-through comment, is to take the bait and get defensive with the announcer. “Is that right? I can’t believe the pastor would say that about me! I’ve always been there for him, one of his strongest supporters.” You know where Joseph is headed straight away—right to Pastor Londan to confront him on his opinion. Whether or not his pastor carelessly made the statement to another, the fight will be on. The reporter has the conflict she was looking for between the lay leader of the congregation and his pastor. The pass-through communicant has seized unhealthy power in the situation.
What is a healthy response ?
The council president should answer the pass-through comment thusly: “Thank you for your concern, but the pastor and I have an agreement: we speak directly to one another and not through third persons.” Period. The power is taken away from the reporter. At a later time, Joseph can have a healthy direct conversation with Pastor Londan about his seeking a second term as the congregation’s lay leader. The pass-through comment need not be mentioned at all (this would be triangulating, another unhealthy form of communication—see my blog post of November 1, 2019.)
What is the simple takeaway lesson?
The healthiest communications are direct ones. Don’t allow others to be your go-between reporters, transmitting your opinions or questions to others, and don’t allow others to present pass-through communications to you. Healthy ministry relationships start with you.
I teach a basic workshop on Healthy Ministry Relationships, one of the components of which is Healthy Communication. This topic is also available as a stand-alone workshop. See my RESOURCES page for more information.
I am also available for hourly consultation with pastors, lay leaders, and churches on this and other HMR (healthy ministry relationships) issues.
(c) Tracey Dawson, 2020