Giving Gifts to Your Spiritual Leader at the Holidays: Healthy Ministry Relationships

Showing Appreciation

 You want to show your appreciation for the efforts of your spiritual leader, especially this year when the pandemic has forced clergy persons to quickly learn a whole new language of ministry and worship. It’s so nice of you to remember us at the holidays with a gift! So, what’s appropriate, and what gifts push the limits of healthy ministry relationships?

Food

 Many people love receiving and eating holiday baking—oh those cakes, cookies and pies! I am no exception. But my husband is a type 1.5 diabetic, so having those items around the house (my new church office) is both tempting and dangerous. Know your pastor or rabbi’s wants and needs before you shower them with food that adds sugar and pounds. How about a nice fruit or cheese arrangement instead? There is nothing wrong with a food gift—just be mindful and ask first.

Plants and Flowers

Do you want to give your spiritual leader a nice poinsettia for their dining table at home? Don’t. If your pastor or rabbi has children or pets at home, these plants are potentially lethal to them. They also are a killer for people like me with allergies—after about two days, they give off a pungent smell and perfume that waters my eyes and closes up my throat. You might try an arrangement that is safe around pets and children and one that gives off no or very little aroma.

Ornaments, crafts, small statuaries—no political messages, please!

What a nice idea! Put your name on these small items so they can be kept and treasured. Stay away from political messages and clothing; these put your spiritual leader in an awkward position with people who do not agree with you—your pastor or rabbi might just be one of them!

Clothing

Bad idea. You will look to see if your spiritual leader is wearing them and you might be disappointed. What you think will look and feel great may not seem so to your embarrassed recipient.  Never give anything made of wool or something already worn by another person (especially your dear departed spouse!)

Books and music recordings

 You might want to check first to see if your intended recipient already has what you have selected for them, what their tastes are in books and in music.  Especially for books, how long is it (do they have time to read it?) and who published it? Especially with books on religious topics, who wrote or published it tells you a lot about its voice. You want to give items that will be appreciated, not thrown in the trash because of the tradition or orientation from whence it comes. If you are in doubt, ask another pastor or rabbi or ask the bookseller.

Gift cards

 General is better than specific; giving your pastor or rabbi a gift card to your favorite sushi bar or clothing store means it may go to waste. Giving a general gift credit card allows them to choose what and where they like to eat and shop.

How much is too much?

 In my opinion, gifts at or under $100 from a single donor pose no ethical problem, but should never be expected or required. Pooled anonymous gifts are not subject to that same threshold, but again should never be expected or required. Gifts are only gifts if you are not seeking anything in return, special access to the spiritual leader, favors, or blessings. It is awkward for a pastor or rabbi to receive a large gift from an individual donor, but the ethical response to such a gift is to politely refuse it or divert it to a church or synagogue missions project or fund. In this case, the spiritual leader should be very clear where the money is going and why. We don’t serve congregations and other ministries for the money; money, especially big money- tends to get in the way of healthy ministry relationships and almost always has strings attached, whether you can readily discern them or not.  (“What do you mean you don’t support my idea for a new library in our worship center? I gave you that big holiday bonus to show that I support your ideas, remember?”)

Alternative Ideas

 Giving a gift to a congregation-supported or community mission in the name of your spiritual leader is a great way to show appreciation for their efforts this past year. Your denomination has funds set up to support retired clergy, international missions and local disaster relief. This is a great way to honor the efforts of your spiritual leader without putting them on the spot. Contributing to a fund within your church or synagogue in honor of your pastor or rabbi is also a nice gesture, again as long as it is neither expected nor required, and you don’t want anything in return.

 Holidays are a special time in the life of a worshipping community. Honestly, rather than receiving your gift of food, goods, or money, I would rather receive a homemade holiday card with your individual written expression inside. That way, I don’t feel awkward or that you expect something in return, and it will make me very happy to know you care and appreciate my efforts on your behalf.